#35 Poetic Pathway to Healing A Mother’s Grief
“It is spring again. The earth is like a child that knows poems by heart.”
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
Poems by heart!
Poems of heart.
Yes, that is the way of feelings and emotional states. They unravel their meaning in heart, through art. The art of words. The art of verse.
Lois Tschetter Hjelmstad wept as she wrote her poem Goodbye, Beloved Breast on the night before her mastectomy (breast removal surgery). Little did she know that this poem would evolve into an award-winning book Fine Black Lines – Reflections on Facing Cancer, Fear and Loneliness. And that her book would evolve into a much respected speaking career and four more evocative books. Poetry gave voice to her soul that grieved for her cancer-rid breast. Her evocative words –
“A poet can take
all the grief from her heart
and write it in
fine black lines on starchy white paper.”
continue to inspire grievers, writers and poets alike even decades later.
There is a poem of healing, and of meaning, already and always, for every feeling, every emotional state. Grief? Yes, grief too. Like this classic haiku that the legendary haikai maestro Issa wrote in the wake of his bereaved fatherhood –
a world of grief and pain
flowers bloom
even then~ Kobayashi Issa
Sometimes just a tiny haiku like the one above is expansive enough to hold all of your grief in its embrace. And sometimes even a long lament is not adequate enough an expression for the existential cry of a grieving mother.
September, why did you have to become month of loss.
September, why thrust on me bereaved mother’s cross.
September, my tears may not show, but my heart wails.
September, why pierce my soul with lament-full nails.
September, your equinox is anything but equanimous.
September, you are dark and grim, not at all luminous.
September, why did you try me so ruthlessly hard.
September, why did you have to take away my bard.
September, I yearn for him every dusk, every morn.
September, every moment I long, for life I am torn.
September, he smiles at me from the expanse of clouds.
September, yet I remain caged, in grief’s thick shrouds.
~ Neena Verma
This is an excerpt from a long poem that my grieving heart poured on what would supposedly be called death anniversary of my precious child, eight years since his mortal journey completion. Ten years, seven months and ten days today, the expression of my grieving heart would perhaps be a more yearnful lament, yet soaked in deeper love. If you so like, please read the full poem in my post #7 September ... A Verse of Life, Loss, Lament, Longing & Love
Poetry is that mystical and magical form that gifts words to solidified silence of sorrow. It brings emotions alive. It also lulls them to rest when they need calm care. It accords a gentle lightness to the heaviest of pains. A pain becomes just that – pain, when held by a poem of affirmation, of witness. It no longer feels like insufferable suffering. It is not for no reason that the great bard advised –
Give sorrow words;
the grief that does not speak
knits up the over wrought heart
and bids it break.~ William Shakespeare
Grief, dear reader, is a sovereign bird, moody and peculiar. It has its own vibes, manner, tone and pace. A mother’s grief in particular has its own ways, and waywardness. Her lament is insistent and anguished –
How could I not have saved you…
How can I not reach where you are…
How can I be…
And you not.
~ Mary Jo Bang
But how else can you express the warm assurance hidden beneath the angry waywardness, if not through poetry –
Grief is a most peculiar thing.
It is like a windowthat will simply open of its own accord.
But it opens a little less each time;
and one daywe wonder what has become of it.
~ Arthur Golden
Grief is foggy. Sometimes it is hard to even recognise and acknowledge it, leave alone affirm, process, heal and express. It is scary to enter its complex maze. But enter we must. However distressing it feels, we have to hold ourselves warm and strong to enter the dark cave of grief, even a mother’s grief, as the poet and bereaved mother Mary Jo Bang invokes tenderly –
To the after-sorrow
That will last my lifetime.
The hair-tearing
Grief of the mother
~ Mary Jo Bang
But you are not abandoned to the mercy of high, angry tides of pain. Once there, poetry is the lighthouse and the anchor that keeps you from drowning in the ocean of grief. Poetry helps you witness, feel, name and express your grief, and opens the path to affirm, tend to, heal, process and assimilate your grief on your life trajectory.
Take a moment.
Ponder.
Cup longing
and memory
in your right hand.
Cup beauty
and yearning
in your left.And plant the bulb…
~ Amanda Weir-Gertzog
Ultimately remember,
Love goes beyond Death
The body disappears
The person lives…
In Love
And in this Love
Remembrance is born
~ Neena Verma
On Bereaved Mother’s Day
Any day, just every day is hard for a grieving mother. The bereaved mother’s day on the first Sunday of May! Well, it is hard in a way that is too hard to explain, and even harder to understand.
If you happen to meet a grieving mother on the bereaved mother’s day this Sunday, or even mother’s day next Sunday – please allow her to be. She may be unsociable. Let her have her quiet space. Or she may be seeking company. Offer it – the way she needs it. Not the cliched way. Not the way you think it will help. Instead, the way that works for her. The way that will soothe her. A mother’s grief may look too raw and traumatized, or too still and silent, or too brave and stoic, or any other way that defies stereotypical norms. Whatever shape or form her grief takes, please hold her grief with the dignity it deserves.
Gently and quietly, please offer her a poem—of healing, of resilience, of love.
Dear grieving mothers
I hope you let your heart reminisce, rejoice and celebrate your forever child. Lovingly, even if tearfully, offer her/him a poem of love, of longing, of life in their absence, with their PRESENCE.
As a ‘Resilience, Grief, Post-traumatic Growth, Wellbeing, Compassion & Therapeutic Writing’ Coach & Trainer; and ‘Appreciative Inquiry’ & Leadership Expert – I am here to help you affirm your grief, navigate your grief journey, re-generate a life of resilience and meaning; and/or learn to professionally work with those in grief.
My therapy and counselling sessions, and training groups create and hold a safe, compassionate and regenerative space to help grievers affirm their grief, heal, process and grow from it. Please reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need (personal, familial, professional or organizational context) coaching, counselling, therapy or training in grief healing, resilience, wellbeing, post-traumatic growth, compassion, therapeutic writing, meaning & purpose clarity; and appreciative inquiry. And please share forward my coordinates with those in similar need.
Hope you find solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration. Please read yourself, and recommend andgift to someone on a grief journey, and to the grief practitioners. I would be happy and grateful to read your review on Amazon & Goodreads. And if you happen to make a social media post about my books &/or newsletter, please do tag me. Warm gratitude.
Stay tuned to continue learning more about the complex multi-layered phenomenon of grief, and my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model. And to cultivate, deepen and spread #GriefWisdom and #GriefSensitivity.
Above all, allow your tears of pain to be shed, and your smile of love to come alive, in a poem, as a poem.
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Love goes beyond Death
The body disappears
The person lives…
In Love
And in this Love
Remembrance is born..
ultimate truth of life.....
Heart touching poetic words dear Neena, I am sure they will provide succor and solace to grieving mothers and heal them. Your strength and warmth is palpable. 🙏🤗💕