#26 A Grieving Heart & Gratitude Fog

Times like thanksgiving celebrate and advocate ‘positivity’ and ‘gratitude’. Noble thoughts indeed. That said, sermonising and pushing those on grief journey to be “grateful” is not quite wise.

The season of gratitude is here again. To most of us, the winter breeze feels imbued with the sweet and warm fragrance of thanksgiving. But for some, air continues to feel laden with sorrow and pain. To them, the very mention of gratitude and thanksgiving feels like an unkind scratch on their wound of loss and grief.

Unfortunate reality for many grievers is that their grief, pain, fears, longing and lament don’t easily get space to be acknowledged, voiced, heard and affirmed. As if the isolative journey of grief is not hard enough, the season of gratitude can create an unfair ask. The shattered heart remains in a silent wail. The traumatized mind keeps struggling with a thousand WHYs. An empty chair stares at them twenty-four by seven. And in the midst, the season of thanksgiving brings along societal pressure to feel and show gratitude, even as they are still struggling to untangle the ball of knotted emotions.

No doubt ‘gratitude’ and all the affirmative emotions for that matter, have a generative impact on our physical and mental health and wellbeing. That said, the difficult emotions are just as real a human experience. Labelling them in the supposed opposites of ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ puts pressure on people to hide, suppress or even self-banish their difficult emotions, and feel ashamed for feeling so. In the process, the wholeness of their human-ness gets fragmented. What is suppressed though, does not disappear or get “fixed”. It keeps lurking like shadow, and leaks out unexpectedly in ways that are difficult to bear or handle.

In the particular context of grief, when affirmation of our sorrow, pain, fears and anguish is deprived, it does not just sear us at the heart, mind and spirit levels, but can also have serious implications at the body level. It is not uncommon for many people in grief to develop medical conditions like diabetes, hypertension, even neurological, cardiac or reproductive complications. I am a case in point myself. For far too long, I buried my grief underneath the mask of strength that I was expected to wear so as to keep fulfilling multiple responsibilities that my circumstances place on my shoulders. Only to land up with type-2 diabetes, menopausal complications and some more. It is possible that the health challenges I faced had a genesis in something else. The connection with the suppressed and unaddressed emotional stress is nonetheless evident.

To the well-meaning friends and well-wishers

In a society that celebrates ‘positivity’ and emphasises the value of gratitude, especially on occasions like thanksgiving, it is normal and expected to give and receive social counsels to “be grateful for … this … and … that … and more …”. I heartily echo the nobility of such thoughts and gestures. In-fact I myself practice gratitude in an embodied way. That said I urge you to be mindful and sensitive when offering such counsels or nudges to those in grief, especially when the loss is recent, sudden, untimely or traumatic.

Remember when the wound is too raw, too deep or too complex, even the best healer would go slow, gentle, sensitive, present to what is unfolding in the moment, and mindful of the responsiveness of the person in pain. Please be like such a sensitive and thoughtful healer, whenever you offer the balm of gratitude to someone in grief. Please hold space for those in grief, in sync with their context, state-of-being, and specific needs.

Another reality that we need to be conscious of is that non-experts’ capacity to understand the complex emotional state of the griever might be limited to what they make of what they see on the surface. And it is often influenced by the filters of their own values, beliefs, thoughts and experiences. The hard reality though is - what works for us, may not work for others. In grief, the particularity of our experiences is even more pronounced. So when you feel the urge to advise or counsel a griever to feel and show gratitude for “what remains…” or “the time you had with…” – step back and ask yourself if it is really the right time or setting to offer gratitude-counsel.   

Let us remember, it is wonderful to feel and express ‘gratitude’. But it is not a “wonder drug” for all times and occasions. In contexts like grief, a ‘gratitude sermon’ may actually be grossly insensitive. For example, to tell a bereaved parent to be grateful for their remaining child(ren) is completely lacking in sensitivity and sensibility. I know this first hand. As a bereaved mother I dreaded hearing platitudes and sermons like “at-least you still have one more son that you should be grateful for”. Can you imagine something more painful? As much as I am a natural believer in the phenomenon of gratitude and generally appreciative person, it pierced my heart when people casually doled out such “gratitude sermons”.

Even if you are offering the balm of “gratitude” out of good intention, be mindful of the timing, and the way you offer and language it. An occasion like thanksgiving may seem a generally good time to suggest ‘gratitude’. It is indeed noble of you to think of easing their pain by making “gratitude” suggestions. However, advising, reminding, sermonising or pushing grievers to be grateful is not quite wise. It may not help. Quite the opposite, it may actually backfire.

Remember, a good physician determines the treatment protocol with due attunement to the unique typology of the patient. Be sure to ensure that the griever you are offering the “nudge for gratitude” to, is emotionally and mentally receptive to the idea at the time you are making such a suggestion. Else it may prove counter-productive, despite being a noble thought and suggestion.

Photo by Elijah Hail on Unsplash … Used with gratitude

To those on grief journey

It is OK to not feel gratitude. Your experience is your truth. And it deserves to be honoured.

I know that you are experiencing searing pain, incomprehensible fears, anguish and thousand other complex emotions that neither you are able to or wish to explain, nor others would be able to understand. I know first-hand the wilderness you are navigating. Yet with all my professional expertise and experience, and lived wisdom – I can never understand the particularity of your pain. So, I would be the last person ever to offer ‘gratitude’ as a ‘magic potion’ to heal your pain.

I would just say whenever such a feeling emerges, and it sure will sometime, please allow the deep genuine experience of gratitude a chance to be felt and affirmed. The realm of grief does not banish out the experience of gratitude. If anything, the two are familiar co-pilgrims, and in-fact sometimes even dear friends.

Even more importantly, I would urge you to give yourself a chance. Our capacity to be with pain, and yet simultaneously continue revering life is far deeper than we imagine it to be. You will discover it when you take the plunge. Do not let anything or anyone push you earlier than you feel naturally ready for the moment – not even my words. At the same time, please do not come in your own way. Please do allow your feelings of gratitude to stay alive and expressive. Spontaneous, natural and subtle savouring of small simple things may kindle the experience of gratitude. And if and when it happens naturally, allow it to happen.

“Gratitude is the sacred bell at the temple of grace. It echoes far and wide. A noble and beautiful embodiment of gratitude is to feel and express it on behalf of your deceased loved one. Think of the people whose kindness or generosity came as a blessing to your loved one, whether in life or on death. Convey your gratitude to them for all they meant and did for your loved one. You will be amazed to see the spring of gratitude and love that sprouts out.”

~ Neena Verma

Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage, Page 265

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash … Used with gratitude

All said, gratitude is a good friend of grief

A unique contribution of gratitude practice is that it helps us adapt to post-loss reality with a greater sense of calm. It helps us process the sense of recovery guilt, if so, with conscious wisdom. I remember, almost a year and a half after my loss, I took a friend’s warm persistent nudge to watch a play with her. At a comical turn, I heard myself chuckle with laughter, even though faint and quickly fading away. Noticing myself laugh filled me with such shame, guilt and anger at myself. It felt as if I was betraying my loss, my grief, my son. It is only months later, and after several deep conversations with my younger son, that I realised that my grief does not cancel my natural emergent feelings (of laughter, joy, gratitude or any other affirmative emotion). It is I myself who was cancelling her larger experience of life, whether influenced by my own pre-set notions, or fear of societal expectations and judgments.

That is what recovery guilt can do to us. We unconsciously deny ourselves the chance of recovery, and the larger experience of life as it continues to happen alongside our journey of grief. If such a thing is happening with you, please know it is normal. Please also know you can and should self-intervene and address it before it makes a lasting dent on your grief recovery. A conscious practice of gratitude can help immensely in this regard. Sooner or later, the felt voice of your inner sage will call you to notice little joys of life – for that is so human a need and privilege. On such occasions, allow yourself to savour the moment, and cherish it.

Trust me, and more than that trust your own instinctive wisdom - Deep inside we all know that ‘gratitude’ is a precious and important human experience. In-fact, many grievers, including bereaved parents, talk of deep healing impact of gratitude practice. That said, I reiterate that let it happen at its own pace and time, and in its own way. When organic, natural, genuine and deeply felt, gratitude will sure have a therapeutic and cathartic effect. Allow that experience a chance, as and when it wants to happen.

Let us remember…

“The work of the mature person is to

carry grief in one hand,

and gratitude in the other,

and to be stretched large by them.”

~ Francis ward Weller

I will continue in the next piece with some helpful tips and suggestions to cultivate and deepen your gratitude practice. Until then, allow yourself the privilege to be awed by the splendour of the sunrise, the subtle grace of the sunset, the teasing chill of the winter breeze, the mystical charm of the moonlight, and all that implores you to continue honouring life.

Meanwhile, if you like you can (re)visit my similar (yet different) piece on Grief and Gratitude that I posted on last thanksgiving in 2022. Hope you find solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration. Please read yourself, and recommend and gift to someone on a grief journey, and to the grief practitioners. I would be so happy to read your review on Amazon & Goodreads. And if you happen to make a social media post about my books &/or newsletter, please do tag me. Please accept my warm gratitude in positive anticipation.

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As a ‘Grief & Growth’ Specialist and ‘Resilience, Emotional Wellbeing, Purpose & Transitions’ Coach, Practitioner and Trainer, I am here to guide you in navigating your own grief journey or helping others on a similar path. I work with individuals, families, groups and organizations. Please feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need (whether in personal, family, professional or organizational context) counselling, coaching, therapy or training in grief healing, resilience, wellbeing, post-traumatic growth, life-purpose clarity, and appreciative inquiry. And please share forward my coordinates with those in similar need.

Stay tuned to continue learning more about the complex multi-layered phenomenon of grief, my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and to cultivate, deepen and spread #GriefWisdom and #GriefSensitivity.

Above all, give yourself permission to live life and smile. May you have a meaningful and fulfilling Thanksgiving.

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