#11 Grief and Gratitude
Unlikely yet Generative companions
“The path of grace urges us to feel and express gratitude for the life that our loved one had before death came calling. Whether it was a simple life, a privileged life, or a trying and tough life—their life calls for affirmation and celebration. And the fact that they shared their precious life with us is reason enough for us to bow in gratitude and love.”
~ Neena Verma
It is that time of the year again. While the whole world keenly and gleefully awaits Thanksgiving holidays, there are some for whom this along-with most other holidays, and some particularly special days (birthday, demise-day) can be unbearably hard to face and brace up to.
How does one feel gratitude while still struggling to accept the loss, affirm grief, heal the broken heart and the agonising mind, and come to terms with the empty chair in the house. What is there to be grateful for when one is plunged into the abyss of grief? How?! Just how one feels and shows gratitude when wrought the entangled ball of traumatizing emotions?!
In a society that celebrates ‘positivity’ and emphasizes the value of gratitude, especially on occasions like thanksgiving, it is normal and expected to receive social counsels to “be grateful for …”. I heartily echo the nobility of such thoughts and gestures, and myself practice gratitude in an embodied way. That said extending such counsels to those on grief journey, needs to be done in a mindful and sensitive way. In-fact, to tell a bereaved parent to be grateful for their remaining child(ren) is in particular grossly insensitive. I understand this first hand. As a bereaved mother I dreaded hearing “at-least you still have …”. Can you imagine something more painful?
True indeed that ‘gratitude’ is a precious and important human experience. In-fact many grievers, including bereaved parents, talk of deep healing impact of gratitude practice. They do reminisce with love and gratitude the life they shared with their deceased loved-ones. That said, it would be wrong to think of gratitude as some kind of a magic wand that that can fix grief or pain. It is not quite wise to hand someone grieving a gratitude-sermon as some kind of a magic pill for their pain.
When companioning someone for grief care, please hold space for them in sync with their context, state-of-being, and psychological and physical needs. It is indeed noble of you to think of “doing things” to alleviate their pain and change their emotional state. However, advising or reminding them to be grateful may not necessarily help. Quite the opposite, it may actually backfire if done lacking in sensitivity. In contrast, spontaneous, natural and subtle savouring of small simple things may kindle the experience of gratitude.
Three months after my elder son’s transcendence beyond the mortal world, my younger son was home for his semester-break holidays. Deeply disturbed to see me traumatized and broken to the core, he decided to do something to help me heal, even as he himself had been hurting just as much, or may be more. In an unfortunate role reversal that no one should have to undergo, he took on a comforting elder’s role.
One bright afternoon he took me to a garden. It was just the kind of winter day we used to love for our impromptu Sunday picnics when my children were small. The garden was vibrant and fragrant, buzzing with happy sounds all around. But I resented it all! How could nature be in bloom when my life had come apart! I wanted to rush back home. But my younger son held me calm and warm, not persuasively, but gently and affirmatively. And my yet-silent solidifying grief burst into a flood of tears. After what felt like an eternity, I slowly regained composure, as a tiny bird came fluttering and started to endearingly play around us. In that precious moment, I came alive as my just about 18-year-young son Pratyush, himself deep in pain, wrapped me with his warm wisdom –
“See Mamma, what has happened has happened. Grief has come to live with us. We have to let it in. Yes, pain is huge. But so is life, Mamma. Sun is still rising every morning and doing what it must—give light and life. Grass is still green. Birds are still singing. Moon still shows up with its milky light. Life is alive, Mamma, and so are we. ‘Why’ is meaningless. But life is meaningful. Let us walk with life and let our pain walk with us.”
He didn’t try to pacify me. He didn’t sound resigned. He didn’t try to fix pain, mine or his own. He didn’t do anything that you could expect from a person in grief. He didn’t say anything preachy or cliché. He just affirmed the reality as it was. And he gently and subtly nudged me to notice and revere the magnificence of nature, and honour the aliveness of life, for that perhaps was the only way I could keep my love in flow, rather than letting it be deluged by my lament.
“To love life ... even when you have no stomach for it.
When grief sits with you ... hold life ... between your palms.
A plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes.
And say, YES, I will take you ... love you, again.”
~ Ellen Bass
My son showed me that the way to transcend our grief was to say YES to life, despite our pain, notwithstanding our pain. He nudged me to understand that gratitude is not a grand show out there. Instead gratitude, growth and grace unfold in a natural way, along-side grief. However, force-masking unreal positivity is not the way. The way is to affirm grief and honour life despite its brokenness, in its wholeness.
In that very garden visit, my younger son and I decided to let our pain guide us towards a higher purpose. We let our ruminative memories transform and become warm remembrance. We decided to take forward my elder son Utkarsh’s dear mission of inclusive learning that he had been pursuing since the tender age of eight years and four months, in the form of the weekend pavement libraries that he used to run independently in the service of children from disadvantaged background. We have since been setting up outreach community libraries for underserved children. In our grief, we let Utkarsh’s altruistic spirit guide us on the path of gratitude, meaning and purpose.
“Gratitude is the sacred bell at the temple of grace. It echoes far and wide. A noble and beautiful embodiment of gratitude is to feel and express it on behalf of your deceased loved one. Think of the people whose kindness or generosity came as a blessing to your loved one, whether in life or on death. Convey your gratitude to them for all they meant and did for your loved one. You will be amazed to see the spring of gratitude and love that sprouts out.”
~ Neena Verma
The radiance of gratitude is eternal. It is an innate human virtue, strength and emotion. Let it show up naturally. Of-course, there is value in consciously cultivating and practicing the spirit of gratitude. But not by force-masking it under pressure of obligation or social-correctness expectation. Maintain a gratitude journal, write a letter of love and gratitude to your deceased loved one, express your gratitude to those genuinely companioning and supporting you in your grief journey, take up a gratitude legacy mission in your deceased loved one’s remembrance or on their behalf. Find and create what suits your personality, context and circumstances. Let life be honoured and revered.
As a ‘Grief & Growth’ and ‘Resilience, Purpose & Transitions’ Coach, Practitioner & Trainer, I am here to help you in healing your grief, growing from it, and finding/creating your own way of practicing gratitude in particular context of your grief or in general. Please feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need counselling, coaching, therapy, expert companioning, training or mentoring in the ‘Grief & Growth’ and ‘Resilience, Life-Purpose, Transitions & Ageing’ realms.
Stay tuned to continue learning about the complex phenomenon of grief, my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and to develop #GriefWisdom. You may find some solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration. Read yourself and/or gift to someone on a grief journey, or grief practitioners. And if you like the books, please leave your review on Amazon & Goodreads
Keep affirming life in all its hues and forms. And above all, remember to hope, love & smile.
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Grief and gratitude are so intertwined, it becomes difficult to distinguish and see them separately. The mind flows in myriad ways.
https://www.compassionatefriends.org/wcl
The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting on the 2nd Sunday in December unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor the memories of the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and grandchildren who left too soon. As candles are lit on December 11th, 2022 at 7:00 pm local time, hundreds of thousands of people commemorate and honor the memory of all children gone too soon.
Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the annual Worldwide Candle Lighting (WCL), a gift to the bereavement community from The Compassionate Friends, creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. TCF’s WCL started in the United States in 1997 as a small internet observance and has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held, and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes, as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died and will never be forgotten.