#22 Therapeutic Writing - Part 2

Pen your pain. Grief unravels meaning when allowed expression.

“A poet can take all the grief from her heart and

write it in fine black lines on starchy white paper.”

~ Lois Tschetter Hjelmstad

I couldn’t agree more. It is no surprise that many grievers turn poets. Grief has a way of affirming, expressing and healing itself on paper, be it prose, verse or art. My grief memoir A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration emerged when my pen began pouring my pain on paper.

My silent wails would have choked my breathe inside, had they not burst out on paper. I have talked at length about the value of therapeutic writing in my post #20. Picking up threads from thereon, today I will take you through the ‘how of therapeutic writing’.

The journal therapy pioneer Kathleen Adams has devoted her life to researching, propagating and teaching the purposeful and intentional use of life-based writing. Her model called the Journal Ladder offers a continuum of journal therapy techniques, ranging from concrete ones with more structure, pacing and containment at one end, to the free-flowing abstract writing at the other end. She has arranged the journal ladder into three rungs of techniques that help surface information (conscious mind), insight (subconscious mind) and intuitive understanding (unconscious mind) respectively. I encourage you to read her books and articles. You will find many free resources on her institute website.

“What we work out in our journals we don’t take out on family and friends.” 
~ C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)

Before you start, please know there is no rule or one single right way to write your grief and pain. Spelling, grammar, flowery language – none of these have any meaning or use. What you feel and what flows out naturally from your heart to your notebook is what is meant to happen. Your truth is what you need to surface, acknowledge and allow an expression. When in grief, time (almost) stands still. It may take a long time and much emotional hurt before words begin to emerge on paper. On some occasions, you may feel stuck. Just start writing again whatever you wrote last. Some new openings and meanings will show up sooner or later. However hard it feels, please keep faith. What wants to happen, will happen at its time and in its own way. Your job meanwhile is to stay present, and be gentle with yourself.

And now let me share some of the therapeutic writing ways that I find particularly helpful in facilitating healing, resilience, wellbeing and meaning.

When you start writing your grief, in the beginning your inner blankness may stare at you. You may feel clueless about what to write. Start with something simple, like lists – of some important TO-DOs that have been waiting for your attention. Or of your emotions, including laments. Grief tends to affect memory. Making a list of reminisces about your deceased loved one helps keep the memories supple. You can also make a list of their favourite food, music, hobbies, movies, books or whatever else holds special meaning for you. Lists are not boring jot-downs. Sometimes they unravel deeper emotions and meaning. Here is an example from my journal of some of the many beautiful and meaningful movies that my transcended son Utkarsh had exposed me to – The Lion King, Cinderella Man, The Pursuit of Happyness, Schindler’s List, Swades, Life of Pie, Lord of the Rings, Hobbit, The King’s Speech, The Ship of Theseus and of course so many laugh riots, most of all the endearing Tom & Jerry.  As I drew this list, so many memories and emotions came gushing. Each with its own pain or joy, meaning and message.

List Poem is another meaningful form with an exploratory rhythm that emerges from repeating the same opening line or sentence stem. Here are few lines from a List poem I wrote last September.

September, the month of my birth, marriage and grief.

September, the month of eternal pain, of joy so brief.

September, you brought me to life, to love, and to loss.

September, why thrust on me bereaved mother’s cross.

September, my tears may not show, but my heart wails.

September, why pierce my soul with lament-full nails.

September, how do I make peace with you ‘heartless thief’.

September, why did you have to become the month of grief.

September, be a compassionate mate, a loving parent.

September, let my love heal my grief, pain and lament. 

September, grant me peace, hope, strength, love and grace.

September, guide me from pain to purpose-inspired space.

If you so like, please read the full poem on my post #7 titled September ... A Verse of Life, Loss, Lament, Longing & Love

“Fill the paper with the breathings of your heart.”

~ William Wordsworth

Some moments hold deep eternal meaning. Allow yourself to capture moments of joy, pain, beauty, love and special meaning. Capture their essence in words, and turn them immortal in your heart and consciousness. Here is a tiny excerpt from a long captured moment I wrote last June when I sighted fire-flies after a gap of 16 years.

People back home in Delhi may feel filled with awe (and perhaps also envy), and people here in the US may laugh at my child-like glee. Neither can dim my boundless joy at sighting a fire-fly on the day of birth of Utkarsh, my elder (transcended) son. I have the moment eternally imprinted in my heart when he used to muse about fireflies, calling them the angels of light from skies beyond. And I lovingly remember the moment my younger son sighted a firefly for the first time, and screamed with awe and joy – “see mamma, light is flying.”

In grief we often yearn for a conversation with our deceased loved one. Consider having an imaginal conversation, playing roles in your mind. A safe and soothing way to do this is by writing a letter to your deceased loved one. Tell them everything that you love and value about your relationship, their positive impact on you, in life and death. Recount beautiful memories. Shower love, affection and gratitude for your beautiful shared life. If there is something you are anguished about them – write that as well. I have found unsent letters to be particularly therapeutic and meaningful for grieving parents. Also for grievers who are hurting in guilt, regret or some painful unfinished business. Follow your heart’s cue about what to do with the letter – burn it, tear it off, bury it in soil and sow a plant in your loved one’s remembrance, or frame it and pin it up lovingly.

“Just beyond yourself.

It is where you need to be.

There is a road always beckoning.”

~ David Whyte

As hard as it feels, someday we learn to affirm and live with our grief. It continues to walk beside us, albeit with less pain and more love. It starts to open space for healing, resilience, deep existential growth, meaning and grace. However unlikely it seems, a road always beckons. We just need to do what poet David Whyte suggests – see, just beyond our grief and pain. Imagine that moment of healing, peace, reckoning, rekindling of love, and emergence of meaning in suffering. Imagine you have reached there. And write a letter from that future-self to your present-self. Lay your path ahead.

These can be so many more ways to write your grief and allow words’ therapeutic effect to heal you. As a ‘Grief & Growth’ Specialist and ‘Resilience, Purpose & Transitions’ Coach, Practitioner & Trainer, I am here to guide you in finding and/or creating your uniquely personal therapeutic writing way that heals and strengthens you. I work with individuals, families and groups to guide and facilitate their grief affirmation, healing growth journey. Please feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need (whether in personal or organizational context) counselling, coaching, therapy or training in ‘Grief & Growth’, Resilience, Life-Purpose, Post-traumatic Growth, Transitions and Wellbeing realms. And please share forward my coordinates with those in similar need.

Stay tuned to continue learning more about the complex phenomenon of grief, and my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and to develop #GriefWisdom. Meanwhile, you may find some solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage  and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration. Read yourself and/or gift to someone on a grief journey, or grief practitioners. And if you like my books, please leave your review on Amazon & Goodreads

Above all, remember to hope, love & smile.

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