#19 How many children do you have?
Mother of two once. Mother of two forever.
How many children do you have?
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Her children – undoubtedly the most endearing topic that any mother can go on talking forever. An entire lifetime would be less. How many children do you have – is not just a question for a mother. It is the sweetest tickle that will always tickle her heart and take you inside the wonderland in her heart where her children dwell.
Some mothers though are chosen to have … a heart loving enough, a mind forgiving enough, a back strong enough, and a soul sublime enough … to hold the space where her child is laid for the final rest.
How many children do you have?
A question no bereaved mother wants to be asked. Not because she can’t answer. She will say her truth, no matter how painful it feels. It is hard because those asking are either not prepared or are not mature enough to handle the truth of her truth.
How many children do you have?
“Two”.
No matter how many zillions of invisible tears, silent wails, quiet sighs or deep breaths it takes, my answer has never been any different in the last 8 years, 7 months and 20 days since my precious child Utkarsh transcended beyond the mortal realm. It shall never be any different, no matter how many more agonizing encounters I have in store with this question. No matter what platitudes, cliches or sermons come my way.
A bereaved mother’s heart is shattered. It is in grief, forever. And it is also the place where her transcended child comes alive, and becomes PRESENT, growing beyond the very gnawing absence. Her heart is where her lament is transformed into love. Her heart is where her love heals her wound, her pain, her grief. Her heart is where she gathers strength to forgive the injustice of destiny. Her heart is where her child walks her on the path of meaning and grace.
No mother should have to be on this journey. Some mothers though will be chosen. If you happen to ask one “How many children she has” – don’t jerk away from her truth. Let her say the number that is her truth. The number she will never change, even after one child’s demise. The number she always says in her heart, but is intimidated by the burden of external expectations to speak differently from her truth.
No. Never.
I was, I am and I shall forever be the mother of two children.
There is “no moving on” from love. And grief being the cry of love only – there is “no moving on from grief”. We cannot flow along life without assimilating grief into our overall life trajectory. And for that, we learn to affirm grief. We learn to live with it, assimilate it in our life, and re-weave meaning in our life.
Be willing to park your cliches and platitudes. Hold space for a grieving mother as she oscillates between crying her pain and celebrating her child. Do not remind her that she has other children to look after. She knows it and honours her role and responsibility in a way you cannot and should not have to imagine. Her grief and love allow space for each other. Her heart is spacious enough to cuddle and nurture all her kids – in presence and in presence-in-absence.
Let her heart reminisce, rejoice and celebrate her children, as only she can and she will, if only societal platitudes allow her to be.
I struggled the whole of today to make this post. I am aware that I may be coming across scattered, incoherent, or even not-OK to some. And that is OK. I am happy I gave myself permission to bare my heart, and write this piece.
Mother’s Day for me is to celebrate my children who, I have no qualms in saying, have parented me – far more lovingly and meaningfully than I could parent them.
Love you my anchor Utkarsh. Not a moment in these 8 years, 7 months and 20 days has passed without your encompassing love soothing my shattered heart, your innocent laughter calming my traumatized mind, the sweet reminisces of our discussions, arguments, even fights keeping me supple, your wit, warmth, wisdom and courage filling me with strength, and your eternal light guiding my path. Love you mera nyaara-nyaara bachcha – to a zillion moons and beyond.
Love you my angel Pratyush. Your warmth, innocence and wisdom keep me supple. I will gallantly lose tens of chess rounds to you, fighting with you, cheating on you, putting up a sulk – and then – you will let me win once, with your characteristic quiet, graceful smile. And then we will go out for our walk gazing at the splendid night skies. That is what life is all about. Mischief, fights, sulks, play, movies, books, music, walks, nature and silence – all of that makes every day with you a happy happy Mother’s Day. Love you mera pyaara-pyaara bachcha – forever and ever.
And before I close, I shower love on all the grieving mothers who have chosen to let their love heal their lament, their cry make space for the celebration of their transcended children, and their pain be transformed into purpose.
“If there is meaning in life at all,
then there must be meaning in suffering too”,
~ Dr Viktor Frankl, holocaust survivor & creator of Logotherapy
I say YES.
Dr Frankl, knows it intimately well, having lost his entire family including pregnant wife to holocaust, himself having survived the unimaginable horrors of the worst Nazi concentration camps, and returning to the world & gifting humankind the amazing Logotherapy – his unique meaning-centric psychotherapy approach, that for me is a life philosophy. If you haven’t yet, do read his seminal book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’. And his other books ‘Will to Meaning’ and ‘Yes to Life’ as well.
I am here to walk with you, in your pain. And here to cheer you on, in your path of meaning and purpose.
Embrace your grief. Keep your faith and love alive. And stay on the path of meaning.
Above all, remember to hope, love & smile.
Your fellow chosen mother,
Neena
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Reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you are a grieving mother in search of safe, compassionate and expert companioning. Share forward the information with a grieving mother you know.
You may also like to read …
My related posts #2 Being a bereaved parent… & #18 Grieving Mothers
And my book A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration
As a ‘Grief & Growth’ Specialist and ‘Resilience, Purpose & Transitions’ Coach, Practitioner & Trainer, I am here to support you in your grief-affirmation, healing, resilient adaptation, meaningful growth and transformation journey. I coach individuals, families and small groups to help them affirm, heal and process their grief, and grow from it with resilience, meaning and purpose. Please feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need (whether in personal or organizational context) counselling, coaching, therapy and training in ‘Grief & Growth’ and ‘Resilience, Life-Purpose, Post-traumatic Growth, Transitions & Ageing’ realms. And please share forward my coordinates with those in similar need.
Stay tuned to continue learning more about the complex phenomenon of grief, and my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and to develop #GriefWisdom. Meanwhile, you may find some solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration. Read yourself and/or gift to someone on a grief journey, or grief practitioners. And if you like my books, please leave your review on Amazon & Goodreads
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Neena these are exactly my thoughts after loosing the love of my life my son of 29 years to this tragic event,
Neena, I could not have said this better. I have had some difficult and emotionally detrimental experiences-of when asked if I have children. At work, volunteer jobs and in social situations, some have asked me to refrain from telling people or talking about my daughter since it made them or might make other’s uncomfortable. In some situations, I struck a compromise to only tell if asked. I said, “ I will never negate my daughter’s existence, if asked” I feel it was shaming. I will write about this soon. I would like your permission to share your post and even quote you in my essay since you express it perfectly.