#1 Grief & Growth … the existential Co-pilgrims

Season of grief ... Unfolds invitation for growth

“The Sun shines on our sorrow and strength alike. Loss and bereavement are not the dead-ends of life. If anything, grief can and does spur growth. Unimaginably painful, indeed. Undoubtedly transformative, nonetheless.”

… “Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage” by Neena Verma, Page xv

Namaste & welcome to “Grief-Wise with Neena Verma”. This is my first post. And I am happy and grateful to see you joining the quest for Grief-Wisdom. Together we will co-create meaning, and learn to be Grief-Wise.

Life, as we all learn at some point, is a symphony of sharp and melodious notes, a twilight of day and night, and a confluence of dark and light. These seemingly opposite phenomena do not just coexist – they complete each other. The same is true of ‘Grief’ and ‘Growth’.

My grief journey, my professional training and practice as a ‘Grief & Growth’ Specialist, what I have learnt from fellow grievers and learners, and most of all the bereaved people who I have served and walked with, have together revealed to me the paradoxical partnership and dance of ‘loss and love’, ‘trauma and transformation’, ‘pain and purpose’, and ‘grief and growth’.  

As opposite as they seem, in essence ‘grief & growth’ are existential co-pilgrims. The Sun shines on our sorrow and strength alike. Loss and bereavement are not the dead-ends of life. If anything, grief can and does spur growth. Unimaginably painful, indeed. Undoubtedly transformative, nonetheless.

I have no way to prove this with reason or evidence. Those who take the ‘Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace’ pilgrimage somehow know this. The bereaved mother Kusum (name changed to honour privacy) is a living testimony to this.

Having lost her daughter to a freak accident, Kusum’s world came apart in a snapping moment. She was shattered beyond words. Her loss taught her the only absolute truth of life – its transience, and the inevitability of death. Kusum was neither prepared for this jolting realisation, nor willing to accept it. Understandably so. Why must death snatch away a life so young, yet beginning to blossom?

No parent, however evolved, strong or spiritually rooted, can ever come to terms with the loss of a child. No wonder it is called ultimate bereavement. It is just so violative of the natural order of life, which entrusts the parents the sacred responsibility to nurture and protect their children. Even the parents of terminally ill children can never prepare themselves for the eventuality of outliving their child, leave alone those who lose a child to sudden, unexpected or traumatic death.

Kusum’s state was no different. She had a spiritual crisis of faith. Her belief that “be good and no harm will be done unto you” was blown away. Her husband found solace, or may be diversion, in work. (I will talk about escape from grief another day) But Kusum slipped into an acute depressive state. She even ideated suicide in the secret dark of her pain. The extended family, friends and social contacts participated in the customary social mourning and slowly faded back to their own lives. They can’t be blamed.

Even though most of us are called in life for this tough duty, we are not socially sensitised or groomed to grief-companion and help others on a grief journey. If companioning a griever is arduous, companioning ourselves in grief – well, that is even more so. Few of us are able to traverse our grief journey with faith, strength and sense of meaning, even though at some point in time we all have to face and embrace loss or trauma, whether by death or non-death reasons.

Kusum too was struggling alone. Even though she had a large clan, most people despite their good intention, could not help her beyond some clichés and platitudes, which not just feel hollow but often do more harm than good. Her condition kept deteriorating. Kusum was slowly slipping into a fortified desolate silence. Thankfully a niece of her could hear her unvoiced cry for help, and persuaded her to meet me.

Perhaps both of them looked at my ‘bereaved mother’ status with more trust than my ‘Grief & Growth’ Specialist tag. No surprises there. Loss and grief, as much as these are universal phenomenon, remain deeply personal and subjective. Adapting legendary psychologist Gordon Allport’s famous quote about universality and uniqueness of human personality to the realm of grief, the grief expert William Worden has put it so well –

“Each person’s grief is like all other people’s grief;

Each person’s grief is like some other people’s grief;

and Each person’s grief is like no other people’s grief.”

No wonder Kusum emphatically believed that her grief and pain were beyond anyone’s understanding. Yet she intuitively felt that perhaps she could find some solace by baring her heart to another bereaved mother. Kusum felt safe being companioned by me, even though there was little similarity in our stories. Except the fact that we both were chosen by destiny to carry the cross of a wounded womb, a robbed motherhood. It was of help for me to know where lay my entry point with her. But it was of much greater importance that I maintained boundaries, kept my own grief out of her journey, and stayed present as a professional.

The therapeutic presence and partnership is a very delicate and trying balance of compassion, affirmation, healing, mindfulness, gentle yet persistent nudging, and of-course needed expertise. I offered just that. During my early meetings with Kusum, all that I did was to hold space for her in noble, compassionate, mindful silence, which allowed her grief and pain to be seen, heard and touched. I was mostly just being present, listening analogically at a very deep level, and participating in the unfolding process of her grief finding a way to affirm itself.

Often this is enough. Unless where grief for some reason has turned acute, prolonged or complicated in some way, and is needing a medical or advanced-therapy intervention. In most cases, people seeking help have a much deeper need to be affirmed and understood, than to be stimulated for transformation.

Deep existential growth is an organic process. It happens when it happens, either in a natural way, or of the griever’s own will-full choice and pursuit. No griever should be burdened with sermons like “so and so had it worse” or “so and so turned it into …” or “atleast you have …” or “be brave and take it as …”.

“Every season is one of becoming, but not always one of blooming.

Be gracious with your ever-evolving self.”

– B. Oakman

Whether as grievers or companions, we should of-course stay mindful of the space and possibility of deep growth in the wake of grief. That is no reason though for us to push ourselves or others into obligating our grief journey to “produce growth”. Instead, allow your grief to be affirmed in a gentle, natural, organic, gradual and evolving way. And you will see, it begins to unravel on its own a meaningful way to deep existential growth.

It took long – not surprising in any way – before Kusum began to open up and let her pain, buried under layers of forced stoic silence, find a voice. A voice that could lament her loss, bemoan the untimely-ness of her loss, cry her pain, scream her anger, tremble under her fear, affirm her grief, yearn for her daughter, and pray for peace. She had to endure waves and cycles of deadening silence, deafening wails, hush of exhaustion, resignation, reluctance, betrayal, surrender, affirmation, resilience. Of its own sovereign way and pace, her grief journey slowly evolved to become a ‘Grief & Growth Pilgrimage’, unfurling meaning, growth and grace.

What ensued in Kusum’s grief journey is worth contemplating by all of us. It may not happen to the degree and depth to which it manifested for Kusum. And it does not have to be a compelling expectation for any griever. Nonetheless the choice and the way is open to all.

Honouring the reality that pain has a higher calling, my metaphor for the ‘Grief & Growth’ journey is ‘pilgrimage’. And we begin by learning to affirm our grief. That in my ‘GROWTH Mandala’ model (Chapters 3-9 in my book ‘Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace’) is the first phase.

Grief-Wise with Neena Verma

First - in the order of a coherent presentation of the model, but not necessarily a mandated first phase. Infact many grievers who are able to affirm their grief on their own, straight approach a higher phase.

I will share in detail about my GROWTH Mandala model and all its phases in my forthcoming blogs. Before that stay tuned to explore the multi-layered complex phenomenon of grief in my next blog.  

Until then, keep affirming life in all its hues and forms. And remember to hope, love & smile.