“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
In grief, sometimes we are haunted by the agonizing WHYs. This is particularly pronounced in the event of loss that is sudden, untimely, unexpected, stigmatized, violent, traumatizing, or out of order in any way. Losses like these can understandably rock our faith and core life-view, and trigger a flurry of angry WHYs.
As if despair, helplessness, betrayal (by destiny), anguish, parent’s survivor guilt, the lingering ache of broken-heartedness, intense yearning were not tormenting enough – the painful gripping WHYs further compounded my grief. With my young, healthy, bright son passing on suddenly, for quite some time I remained in the clutches of so many painful WHYs – Why did my son die? Why a silent cardiac arrest at 22 years of age? Why were there no signs or symptoms? Why didn’t he get timely attention? Why did he have to go so young? Why on one of the happiest days of his life? Why before me? Why am I chosen to outlive him? Why? Why? Why? The list was endless. My agonized mind was swamped by a thousand WHYs – fierce and unrelenting. The grief-struck mother in me needed solace, and answer. But God was silent. It is hard but I must admit that once in my anguish, I even lamented God. Yet, in another corner of my heart, I somehow knew that there were no answers.
But as the legendary poet Rilke said hauntingly – at some point, without even noticing it, I began to experience some kind of mystical wisdom in the unanswered and unanswerable questions. Perhaps acknowledging my tormenting WHYs, sitting quietly in their witness, and letting them unravel their meaning, if any, at their own time, in their own way – is what helped me not just walk through the dark tunnel of my WHYs, but even transform my feelings. From thinking of God as the supreme puppeteer, I began to see Her/Him as the supreme parent who sent me all the compassion, faith, patience and courage that I needed to face and endure my WHYs without being devoured by them.
Gratitude for Photo by Evan Dennis on Unsplash
It is OK to feel beset by our WHYs. But not-OK to feed them. When deluged by WHYs, we need to hold ourselves warm and compassionate. I did just that. I held myself in compassion. I let my faith and love take care of my anger. Remember it is about acknowledging, attending to and taking care of your anger, not ignoring, suppressing or controlling it. It calls for emotional and spiritual courage to face our demons. And we all are endowed with that. As we acknowledge and let them be, our WHYs tend to soften and fade, unless when grief has turned complicated. With harmonious acknowledgment, our WHYs may even undergo transformation like it happened with me.
Being able to acknowledge and witness our WHYs actually frees us. By the grace of God, I didn’t remain captive for long. As much as one wounded part of me was gripped by the WHYs, another wise part of me gently held the space for my grief-struck heart to vent, and mind to make sense of my reality. Both my wounded part and my wise part belong to me. It is true for each one of us. Together, our wounded and wise parts make us whole. Please be kind to yourself. Do not shame yourself for your WHYs, however improper they sound. In the end, your wise part will find a way to heal your wounded parts. All that you need to do is to –
Not fight for answers. The more we hold our WHY tightly, the more we intensify our inner turmoil.
Accept that sometimes it is OK to not know, and that sometimes not knowing is the only way to supreme knowing.
Understand that some questions have no answer. They are perhaps best held in quiet witness and humble contemplation.
Trust that nature will reveal what we are meant to know, when we are ready to absorb and appreciate the deeper-knowing. If at all there is an answer, it will emerge at its time, in its own way, and from within our deep consciousness.
And remember, that sometimes,
“WHY is meaningless. But life is meaningful.”
~ Pratyush Verma
I received this gift of insight from my younger son Pratyush. Read more about it in my story under the ‘Invoking Faith’ section (Page 103-104) in chapter four (Grief Affirmation) of my book Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage
As a ‘Grief & Growth’ and ‘Resilience, Purpose & Transitions’ Coach, Practitioner & Trainer, I am here to help you in affirming your grief-WHYs, healing your grief, and growing from it. Please feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need counselling, coaching, therapy, expert companioning, training or mentoring in the ‘Grief & Growth’ and ‘Resilience, Life-Purpose, Transitions & Ageing’ realms.
Meanwhile you may find some solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration. Read yourself and/or gift to someone on a grief journey, or grief practitioners. And if you like the book, please leave your review on Amazon & Goodreads
Stay tuned to continue learning more about the complex phenomenon of grief, my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and to develop Grief-Wisdom. Please leave a comment, and let me know your thoughts and feelings.
Keep affirming life in all its hues and forms. And above all, remember to hope, love & smile.
Please note – this post is in parts excerpted from chapter four (Page Nos 88-90) of my book Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage
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When I read your work, something quietens in me. Thank you ❤
There are many Whys that keep bouncing on me.
The reply and solace has to come from within.
This very succinct piece helps one to come to terms with the situation and learn to deal with the despair and helplessness.