#32 The Ship of Bereaved Parents’ Grief

The parenthood we didn’t choose … The parenthood that destiny chose for us

Jul 25, 2024

**The Ship of Theseus** … Image Source Unknown. Used with Gratitude

July they say is international bereaved parents month. How kind and considerate! Yet how starkly scarce! One month, one year, one decade … any measure of time is too small and inadequate to affirm, heal, process and grow from the infinite grief, sorrow, pain or anguish that the bereaved parents are chosen to live with all their lives. Year after year, the month of July evokes a barrage of mixed feelings in me. On one hand, I feel called to write in honour, solidarity and support of bereaved parents . On the other hand, I feel so bereft in my heart and mind that words betray my emotions. Yet, write I must - I reminded and cajoled myself yesterday. July 24th it was – the day when many years ago my beloved son Utkarsh had shared yet another pearl from the expansive ocean of his wisdom. A precious child who gave his all in his brief mortal journey of 22 years and three months, and took nothing. My heart reminisced –

July 24^th, 2024
136 months ago this day, you helped me understand the essence of the Ship of Theseus
118 months since I am yearning for you to return with yours.
My Ship, My Shore, My Lighthouse, My Anchor … where are you … come back … just once.
maa

My struggle nonetheless continued through the day. My pen felt barren. A particularly crazy day when Murphy’s Law seemed to have crashed on my head. A lingering medical issue. No water supply at home. Younger son’s sore eye. Rainwater seeping through neighbour’s balcony. So many valid reasons. But none as strong as my aching heart that so wants to pour its pain on paper, but also feels a heavy void at the same time. The deluge of my emotions nonetheless kept staring at the blank pages until the words began to nurse my wound with the eternal love of my transcended son that continues to wrap me in its warmth.

July 24^th, 2013

We had just watched an intriguing movie called the Ship of Theseus that is inspired by the curiously evocative parable by the same name. The story comes from the fabled Athenian practice of taking the Ship of Theseus for annual pilgrimage to Delos, the place where the mythical Greek King Theseus took the children of Athens whom he had rescued from King Minos - on board a ship that came to be called by his name. Over time as the ship started to wear down, the Athenians kept replacing the old decaying planks with new stronger ones. Slowly this strange renewal came to create the Theseus’ Paradox that makes one wonder if an object (the overall structure of ship in this fable) is same even as several of its original components lose life, change forever and become different over time.

Isn’t that a grieving parent’s paradox too? Each moment our grief remains alive. Yet each moment our love feels stronger. Each moment we quietly carry our pain. Yet each moment we create a new meaning in life torn apart by our loss. Each moment we feel weary on our grief journey. Yet each moment we find a new plank of strength, grace and love to carry on. The ship of our pain remains the same. Yet keeps changing. Same! Different! Both! Neither! The Ship of Bereaved Parents’ Grief remains eternally enigmatic.

The grieving parents often find themselves in the liminal space between the no-longer parenthood they filled with love; and the parenthood that destiny chose for them, the parenthood of unrelenting sorrow and pain, the parenthood of bereavement, that no one should ever have to know and live.

“There are words like ‘orphan’, ‘widow’ and ‘widower’ in all languages. But there is no word in any language to describe a parent who loses a child. How does one describe the pain of ‘ultimate bereavement’!”
~ A Mother’s Cry ... A Mother’s Celebration by Neena Verma, Page 50

In the desolate parenthood of bereavement, the grieving parents lose their identity. And they are left frighteningly alone. As if their grief is not traumatic enough, the bereaved parents have to often bear the pain of social isolation as well – mostly because many of us feel awkward and inept about being around a person in grief, worst of all a bereaved parent. Add to that the sad reality that a bereaved parent’s grief tends to spark the unconscious worst fear of other parents – the fear of child loss. But the most painful of all the reasons is the unkind and unverbalised belief that a bereaved parent brings bad omen. Whatever be the reason, it is unimaginably painful for a bereaved parent to be invisibilized by the world. Even more tormenting is the pain of living with the cruel reality of their child being forgotten by the world.

Her Name Sings to My Soul
The mention of my child’s name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul.
~ Unknown (Quoted with gratitude)

If you truly wish to honour and compassionately care for a grieving parent, start by talking about their forever child – who lives on in the consciousness of a grieving parent. There is a common misconception that their deceased child’s mention will trigger bereaved parents’ grief. The truth is nothing balms their grieving heart and mind as soothingly as the assurance that the world remembers their mortally absent, yet eternally present child.

Another sensitive way you could help is by avoiding cliches like “time heals all wounds” - because it does not. A bereaved parent’s grief rarely, if at all, finds closure. And that is ok, unless there is a pathological or medical manifestation in which case professional help must be sought. That said, in most, if not all cases, bereaved parents do adapt to their loss-altered reality with resilience and meaning. Their grief nonetheless abides, just as their love does.

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash. Used with gratitude.

I'll Hold Your Hand
I know it hurts
beyond understanding
not having your child's
hand to hold.
I can't change this life
for you, my friend,
but I can be
your hand to hold.
~ Michele Meleen (Quoted with gratitude)

Grief after-all is just another expression of love. An expression in lament albeit. An expression of longing, warmth and grace as much. If possible please offer your hand or compassionate care. Please avoid saying “it is God’s will”. How do you think a grieving parent’s anguished mind would reconcile with the agonizing reality that destiny chose them to outlive their child! “Be strong”, “be brave”, “move on” – are all unkind cliches and sermons that I urge you to please avoid. If you can, please nudge yourself instead to be quietly compassionate and supportive without pushing them or yourself to fix their pain, because grief is no problem to be fixed.

Please also remember there is no “letting go” without “letting sink”. Allow them the time and space to let their unkind reality sink in. And help them “let in” something affirmative and meaningful in the empty space created by what is “let gone” – the suffering, not the grief itself. It could be a legacy mission that many grieving parents initiate in loving remembrance of their forever child, or something else that holds meaning for them.

Your good intent notwithstanding, please avoid saying “atleast you still have **** more child(ren). Be strong for their sake.” Nothing is more tormenting for a bereaved parent than hearing the “atleast… still…” statements. Avoid it strictly if yours is just a one-time social visit. Avoid it even when you are a more regular and supportive friend/relative/visitor. Instead, please consider extending some quiet practical support to help them continue taking care of their other child(ren) as they take time to restore their household functioning. Remember not just the routine responsibility towards their other child(ren), bereaved parents are also burdened with the unfathomable worry of helping them heal their sibling grief.

Please know – when you don’t know what to say, it is better not to say anything. There is a lot you can do to companion a grieving parent (for that matter, any griever) through gentle care and quiet practical support.

The busyness of your own life may not permit you so much time or energy. But if you can, please do watch on the physiological condition of the bereaved parent you are caring for. Grief is not a disease. But the torment that comes with it can sometimes trigger physiological or psychological complications. Please persuade them to take professional help, medical or psychotherapeutic, if you sense the need for it.

In this month dedicated to bereaved parents, please consider reaching out to one. Think deep and long before you take this difficulty responsibility. Once you do, please stay patient and long enough for your effort to be worthwhile and help to be meaningful. It is a noble call that calls for consistency as much as compassion.

Feel free to reach me at drneenavermachimes@gmail.com if you (God forbid) are a grieving parent yourself in need of expert help; or need expert guidance to cultivate/deepen grief sensitivity, and help a bereaved parent or any other griever, in a #GriefWise way. Meanwhile if you like, you may consider gifting my book A Mother’s Cry … A Mother’s Celebration (Amazon India link. Available across all geographies) to a bereaved parent, or my other book Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage to anyone on a grief journey. Both these links are for Amazon India. The book is available across all geographies.

If you liked my post, then please mark a LIKE. It encourages me to go on. And please join me in spreading the message of #GriefAndGrowth & #GriefWisdom. Please

Grief-Wise with Neena Verma

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