#33 Haunting absence, Abiding PRESENCE

24th September ... Ten years of your absence so present, your PRESENCE never absent

This morning a crow appeared on my window sill after a long gap in time. In-fact it was the only bird to call this morning. All others absent. Unsurprising. Who would want to show up on a morning of mourning! Except a crow.

In Hindu faith, crow is believed to be the carrier of prayers and offerings to the departed ancestors. And right now as per Hindu calendar, we are in the Pitru-paksha, the 16-lunar-days-long ancestors’ phase in the Hindu month of Ashwin that overlaps September/October. It is the waning moon fortnight phase when the departed souls are invoked and worshipped. The phase when the crow presents itself for the noble and arduous duty of carrying the offerings and prayers from the mortal world to the realm of departed ancestors.

But what meaning do you make of all this when the departed is not an ancestor, but someone you shouldn’t have outlived. The child you brought into the world. The child who is taken away by destiny. The child whose haunting absence pierces your whole being every single moment. The child whose loving PRESENCE you eternalise in every single breath.

My beloved son Utkarsh

My precious child, Utkarsh.

24^th of September, 2014. A Wednesday. A dusk. It was the culminating day of the pitru-paksh of 2014, the day that manifests at the overlap of no-moon (Amavasya in Hindi) and new-moon, and is called the Mahalaya Amavasya. Mahalaya means supreme (maha) abode (alaya). Someone departing the mortal world on this day is believed to have attained salvation from the karmic cycle of birth-life-death-rebirth, and found their way to the supreme abode.

What consolation could this supposition offer when the one who departed was my precious child, my beloved son Utkarsh!!

22 years and 3 months before, he had arrived in this world on another 24^th (of the June of 1992), another Wednesday, another dusk, of another waning moon fortnight. What meaning should I make of this? Another of the several mystical synchronicities that punctuated Utkarsh’s brief mortal life.

Ten years today and my forever grief has become my forever companion. Except that it has learnt to hold me in a gentle and affirmative embrace. Or is it that I have learnt to hold it gentle and affirmative? There continue to be days and occasions when I feel knotted like an entangled ball of emotions. I struggle, I despair, I lament and I cry. But now my grief sits by me – kind, patient and an equanimous witness in the liminal space between the no-more and not-yet. A space where I re-member my son’s haunting absence, turn it into REMEMBRANCE, and let his eternal PRESENCE breathe life into my broken heart, my shattered being.

Photo by Matteo Paganelli on Unsplash. Used with gratitude.

The English author Max Porter has written a novel called Grief Is the Thing With Feathers. A prose, a poem, a memoir, an essay, the story is about a crow that moves in with a family following the death of the lady of the house – the wife, the mother. As if announcing that it is here to stay until the wounded family heals and no longer needs it. The title of Porter’s poem seems to be inspired by Emily Dickinson’s famous poem –

“Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches on the soul

And sings a tune without the words

And never stops at all” 

Hope. Is it a crow!

This morning’s crow was special. It had come as the carrier of hope, and love. My soul meditated as my hands instinctively cooked Poha (an Indian dish made from flattened rice) with rich helping of matar (green peas), just the way my son loves. The crow’s caw grew calm, as if it was ready to partake Utkarsh’s favourite breakfast meal.

The rest of the day fell still and silent. In that yearnful silence, I am ruminating. And I am re-membering. And I am foraging memories. And I am yarning reminisces. And I am trying to affirm my cry of love. And I am dreaming more visitations.

Ah, dreams! Of a child. About a child. Why should they break, and become memories?

*********

I know I should have written a fuller and more meaningful post today when I am resurfacing after a long pause. But my heart and my pen are in immense pain today. Can we please swap roles today? Please hold a space of compassion and affirmation for me. Please write in comments what you would have expected me to say to a grieving mother on the tenth anniversary of her precious child’s transcendence.

Until I meet you again, restored, harmonious and meaningfully regenerative – take very good care of yourself and the grievers you care for.

In prayer of healing, strength and meaning.

My dear readers, your support is my strength booster. It motivates me to keep writing on the important, complex and sorely neglected topic of grief. It is now my calling to help more and more people develop grief sensitivity, become grief-wise, and learn to heal and affirm their grief, with meaning and resilience.

If I come across scattered in this post, it is because I am in the depths of my vulnerability today, the day of my traumatic loss. Mostly though, I function well as a grief therapist, counsellor, expert companion, trainer, and coach for resilience, post-traumatic growth and emotional wellbeing. Feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you (or anyone you know) are in need of expert help on your grief journey, or want to organize Grief, Resilience, Post-traumatic training and Emotional Wellbeing training in your organization or community. If you like, please read and/or gift my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage and A Mother’s Cry … A Mother’s Celebration – available across all amazon geographies.

Stay tuned to explore the multi-layered complex phenomenon of grief, learn my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and develop #GriefWisdom.

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