#24 Grief Journey … Insistent yet Affirmative

Grief… the inevitable unwelcome guest! The guest we so not want on our door. The guest we so know will sure slip in one day and make home in our life.

“Grief is a house where the chairs have forgotten how to hold us,

the mirrors how to reflect us, the walls how to contain us.

Grief is a house where the doors no longer let you in or out.”

~ Jandy Nelson

Simply put – grief is a natural and normal response to loss of any kind, death or non-death – except that there is nothing simple about it. Grief is a complex experience – trying, tiring, tormenting, and sometimes more acute and prolonged than one could imagine. The wayward storm of grief breaks in any time. There is no escape from its insistent shadow and grip. Yet there is something affirmative too about grief. Curiously it inspires meaning, love and growth as well. The experience of grief also has a way of being the gentle shepherd that safely and caringly brings you home to yourself. To invoke that, we need to affirm our grief and be willing to traverse our grief journey.

But, why is grief journey so trying? Well, there are obvious reasons. And then there are layered complexities. Grief journey is an ongoing one that keeps unrolling with many different faces and hues, mostly alien and unsettling. It is there to grab you at every blind turn that unfolds without an alert. Grief journey is like walking on trails lost in the thick of a dark forest that one does not know anything about. It does not manifest in a uniform or predictable way. It does not have a fixed timeline. And it definitely does not happen in a linear stage-bound way. Grief journey is unique and subjective. It is contextual. And it is self-governing. To each their own grief and grief journey.

“Grief is a sovereign phenomenon. It happens of its own will, pace and rhythm, sometimes appearing intrusively, sometimes remaining hidden in layers beneath other emotions, and suddenly surfacing, all blown up.”

~ Neena Verma, "Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage" Page 24

Grief journey is one with no final destination, no known path, no navigation help on hand. It charts and directs its own course. It is often slow and rough, sometimes with no closure. And that too is fine as long as there are no pathological or other complications, in which case necessary professional help should be sought. That said, grief itself is not a sickness or a disorder. There is nothing to be managed or cured. If anything, grief is to be affirmed and assimilated on the life trajectory, however disrupted, torn or bereft it feels in the aftermath of loss.

Pic self-clicked by Neena Verma at Nehru Park, New Delhi

Even when it goes bare, it continues to bloom in parts. Tree is whole. So is life. And that is what grief affirmation is about - affirmation of life itself. Notwithstanding the intensity of their pain, most grievers eventually learn to affirm the transience of life, acknowledge the reality of their loss, and integrate it on their life trajectory. Except in some complex bereavement cases, most of us learn to witness and endure our pain, and live with our grief. As we learn to let it walk along in harmony with the rest of our life, it no longer rides on our back or drags us down. The pain may still be there. But its grip on us begins to soften and we are at some point able to remember and reminisce about our deceased loved one with more love than pain.  

It may seem hard or even unbelievable to newly bereaved, or those in complex or traumatic bereavement, but it is true that most of us learn to assimilate grief as a significant life experience that can even inspire meaning and growth. Yes, this becomes possible, as we affirm our grief. This is where healing begins, hope rekindles, and a simultaneous journey of resilience, meaning and growth begins to unfold. Grief does change us of-course. Also likely that such change means some deep existential growth as well. A new wisdom, strength and reverence for life begin to quietly unravel from deep within.

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”

~ John Green 

Grief Affirmation is typically (but not necessarily sequentially) the first aspect or phase of the GROWTH Mandala journey that I explain over seven chapters in the Part 2 of my book Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage. Grief Affirmation has five broad facets that one can traverse simultaneously or separately, not necessarily sequentially. I have woven these facets together as a framework named ALIVE –  

Accepting the reality

Living with grief

Invoking faith

Virtuous integration

Engaging anew

The reason I call it ALIVE is because grief affirmation is about affirming and honouring the aliveness of life – as it was with our deceased loved one, and as it is for us in the aftermath of loss – bereft yet alive. The way I have arranged the facets of ALIVE process is more for the sake of a coherent and creative appearance. There is nothing normative or prescriptive about the order in which you need to follow them. It is for an individual griever to decide which facets call out to them the first or the strongest. Deeper learning awaits you in the Chapter 4 (Grief Affirmation) of my book Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage

Stay tuned to continue learning more about my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and to cultivate/enhance and spread #GriefWisdom and #GriefSensitivity. Hoping you find some solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage  and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration, please recommend and gift to someone on a grief journey and grief practitioners. And if you like them, please leave your review on Amazon & Goodreads. I offer my warm gratitude in positive anticipation.

As a ‘Grief & Growth’ Specialist and ‘Resilience, Emotional Wellbeing, Purpose & Transitions’ Coach, Practitioner & Trainer, I am and shall always be here to guide you in the grief journey you are yourself traversing (God forbid) or are helping someone else traverse. I work with individuals, families, groups and organizations. Please feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need (whether in personal, family, professional or organizational context) counselling, coaching, therapy or training in grief healing, resilience, post-traumatic growth and life-purpose clarity. And please share forward my coordinates with those in similar need.

Above all, remember to traverse your grief journey with a sense of faith, affirmation, hope and love.

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