#18 Grieving Mothers

Lost alone, loving together

“When parents go, they leave behind legacy.

But when children go, they leave behind shattered dreams,

which pierce your whole ‘being’ like sharp pieces of broken glass.”

~ Neena Verma, A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration, Page 50

The second Sunday of May is celebrated worldwide as the ‘Mother’s Day’. Mothers are showered with love and gifts by their children. Mothers being mothers, themselves shower their children with even more abundant bouquet of blessings, love and care. Such a joyous, festive occasion for all mothers. All? Unfortunately, not quite. There are some mothers who are chosen to bear the cross of grief arising from loss of child, something that is called ‘ultimate bereavement’, understandably so.

Acknowledging this hard reality, Carly Marie Dudley, a mother in Australia who experienced the indescribable pain of parental bereavement after still-birth of her child, decided to dedicate the first Sunday of May to honour the grief of bereaved mothers. Observed a Sunday ahead of the popular International Mother’s Day, the International Bereaved Mother’s Day seeks to gently remind people to remember and reach out to mothers who lost their children to bereavement, pregnancy loss, still-birth, SIDS, infant loss or disappearance. I would say let your solidarity and support extend to those as well who are desirous of motherhood but unable to bear a child owing to infertility or any other reason.

“Whatever be the age of the child,

ultimate bereavement is extremely difficult to bear.

This pain feels no less in case of un-born child.

Grief arising from loss of pregnancy and still-birth often goes unacknowledged,

since these losses are mostly regarded as physiological events.

~ Neena Verma, "Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage" Page 15

As a bereaved mother myself, who also miscarried thrice, I know first-hand that a single commemorative day is too tiny a balm to heal, process and affirm the grief of a bereaved mother. The grief of bereaved parents (mothers even more so) rarely finds a closure, even when they have found ways to honour their child’s remembrance and initiated a legacy mission, like we have done in the form of the community libraries that we set up, carrying forward my son’s ‘weekend pavement library’ and some other altruistic endeavours that he started independently at the tender age of eight years.  

“Nothing can ever fully heal the wound of bereaved-parenthood.”

~ Neena Verma, Being a Bereaved Parent

That said, it is immensely therapeutic for a bereaved mother’s shattered heart and traumatized mind, to find solidarity, solace and support in a community that sees and knows her pain, is there to hold and companion her with compassion on her hard, long and lonely grief journey. Perhaps this is what might have been going on in the mind of Carly Marie Dudley when she choose the first Sunday of May to found the International bereaved Mother’s Day. A day to honour the grieving mothers who go invisible on the traditional Mother’s Day that falls a Sunday later in May. A day that helps the grieving mothers come out of the unseen, silent and desolate lanes of unsupported grief, and embrace and heal it in the company of fellow grieving mothers.

This International Bereaved Mother’s Day, make a new beginning – affirm your own grief, and be there for other grieving mothers. Hold yourself in your own warm, compassionate and supple-strong embrace. No one can/will comfort, counsel and support you better than yourself. Make space for loving remembrance of your child. Don’t suppress your cry. Do honour your motherhood - lived, bereaved, lost or deprived.

Do remember to also celebrate your child, whether born, still-born or un-born. Write your child a letter of loving remembrance. Say things that life didn’t give you chance to say. Plant a tree in your child’s remembrance. Cook your child’s favourite meal, or the one you wished to cook for your un-born or still-born baby. Read a book that your child loved, or you loved/wanted to read to her. Play the game you dreamt to or could actually play together. Don’t fight with the gush of the painful memories. Instead of drowning in it, seek and surface gentle waves of love from the strong rapids of pain.

And reach out to other grieving mothers and extend your warm embrace of affirmation, understanding and compassionate support to them as well. This is what I intend to do this coming International Bereaved Mother’s Day that falls this year on 7^th May 2023.

GRACE Circle with Neena Verma … For Grieving Mothers … 7th May 2023

Join the GRACE Circle – a safe, compassionate space that I as your Grief Sherpa, will be hosting to honour the bereaved mothers, and help them affirm and heal their grief. Mark your calendar – 7^th May 2023, 12-1.30 pm IST. There is NO FEE. Just remember to bring all of your faith, hope and love.

Reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you are a grieving mother in search of safe, compassionate space that knows your pain and will offer solace and support. Share forward the information with a grieving mother you know. Let us bring our lonely grief together and co-create meaning, love and grace.

You may also like to read #2 Being a bereaved parent…

As a ‘Grief & Growth’ Specialist and ‘Resilience, Purpose & Transitions’ Coach, Practitioner & Trainer, I am here to support you in your grief-affirmation and healing journey, and take the path of meaningful growth and transformation. I coach individuals, families and small groups to help them affirm, heal and process their grief, and grow from it with resilience, meaning and purpose. Please feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need (whether in personal or organizational context) counselling, coaching, therapy and training in ‘Grief & Growth’ and ‘Resilience, Life-Purpose, Post-traumatic Growth, Transitions & Ageing’ realms. And please share forward my coordinates with those in similar need.

Stay tuned to continue learning more about the complex phenomenon of grief, and my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and to develop #GriefWisdom. Meanwhile, you may find some solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage  and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration. Read yourself and/or gift to someone on a grief journey, or grief practitioners. And if you like my books, please leave your review on Amazon & Goodreads

Above all, remember to hope, love & smile. 

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