#15 Grief has no gender
Let grief remain free of gender-stereotypes
“I don't fit into any stereotypes. And I like myself that way.”
~ C. JoyBell C.
If grief could scream its truth loud and clear, this is what it would say. Especially when it comes to gender stereotypes in the context of grief. Let me explain by telling you the story of an immensely wise human being, whose grief had to bear the burden of gender stereotypes. Thankfully she had the courage to affirm her voice as a grieving human being, a grieving woman. A woman with whom I cherish my work as her therapist and coach. A woman I am privileged to call an inspiring friend today.
Sujata[1] was in a daze after her husband’s untimely demise. Shock, trauma, disbelief, anger, sorrow, fear – so many emotions overwhelmed her. Completely at loss to make sense of what had happened, and all else that was happening in the social mourning space around her and her two little kids, Sujata fell into a stony silence. Yes. Silence. No hysterical cry of loss. No wail of lament. No flood of tears. Isn’t that what the doctrines of culture, even literature, demand.
“And his good wife will tear her cheeks in grief.”
— Homer (The Iliad)
To many in her social mourning space, there was little so-to-say normalcy in Sujata’s conduct about how a bereaved woman is supposed to be like, especially when she happens to be just widowed. The family elders in particular found her conduct rather odd. They wanted her to shed few tears at-least for social mourning’s sake. Some others discussed the what and how of “making her cry”, lest her grief gets bottled up. But their concern too was guided more by what they thought of the typical grief reactions of women.
A woman after all is supposed to be emotional, and therefore expected to make at-least a customary cry of lament on an occasion like this. Really! Well, like in many other contexts, here too the gender stereotypes were at play. In the stark immediacy of her bereavement and grief, the burden of social expectation to “grieve (gender) appropriately” further pierced Sujata’s already shattered heart with such added sorrow, anguish, and worst of all guilt and social shame. Seriously, can there be a single appropriate way to grieve that would suit all grievers?
“Women were different, no doubt about it. Grief didn't break women. Instead it wore them down, it hollowed them out very slowly."
— Cornelia Funke (Inkdeath (Inkworld, #3))
Well, grief does not wear such tight labels. The reality is no two people grieve alike, not even in a shared loss. Dr Kenneth Doka, the eminent grief expert who conceptualized ‘disenfranchised grief’ phenomenon, and co-authored ‘Grieving beyond Gender’ insists that grief reactions happen across a wide spectrum, where gender is merely one of the many contributing factors. There is a multitude of factors that influence an individual’s grieving style such as age, griever’s psychological makeup, circumstances and manner of loss, deceased’s age and stage in life, relationship with the deceased, bereaved’s socio-cultural and economic context, and more. It is neither fair nor possible to label grieving styles based on any of these factors. Least of all gender, which is not merely a fixed biological reality. Rather, it is a social construct. Irrespective of the gender label that we are given, we all carry within elements of both masculine as well as feminine psyche and energy, albeit in varying degree and manner.
In the picture above, who do you see grieving? A gender or a human-being!
Instead of associating teary outbursts with women, and stoic strength with men, Kenneth Doka and his co-author Terry Martin advise associating – (a) emotional grief response to intuitive grieving style which is about coping and adapting by processing emotions and feelings; and (b) cognition, thinking and activity-based grief response to what is called instrumental grieving style. Importantly, both styles can be exhibited by a griever in varying degrees, irrespective of their gender. Most of us have a blended way of grieving. I have seen and worked with many women who manifest more of a thinking and doing way of grieving. This does not mean that their grief emotions are absent or numb. There is growing evidence of many women naturally or consciously adopting a cognitive and instrumental activity way of processing their grief. Quite likely because of their particular personality type. And sometimes, because loss-altered life circumstances compel them so.
It is also possible that although some grievers are natural intuitive grievers, but do not overtly exhibit emotions and feelings. My long practice as a ‘Grief & growth’ specialist, and my own lived wisdom as a bereaved mother, tell me that an intuitive grieving style may not necessarily manifest overtly visible emotional grief reaction. Many intuitive grievers I know, and there are several men in the list, process their feelings and emotions quietly within, whether or not by way of thinking or doing.
So, let us not see a woman’s (for that matter anyone’s) grief reactions from the gender filter, whether by way of emotion, cognition or action. Nobody’s grief deserves to be judged as compliant or defiant of the gender stereotypes. Let us resolve to stay clear of the same and the resultant expectations thereof, in the context of loss and grief. Some other day, I will write about the gender-stereotyped grieving predicament of men as well. For today, let us affirm grief response and grieving styles of women as they are in their spontaneity and individual particularity.
“All love on this earth involves choice.”
– Fulton J. Sheen
This women’s day if you really mean to offer a respectful tribute to women, please honour their grief and grieving as they naturally choose it to be, rather than encaging it in gender stereotypes, and imposing gender-specific social expectations to grieve a certain way. Let us honour Sujata’s (and many others like her) grief her way. To each, their own way of grieving. Let women, in-fact all humans, have theirs, with affirmation and dignity.
As a ‘Grief & Growth’ Specialist and ‘Resilience, Purpose & Transitions’ Coach, Practitioner & Trainer, I am here to support you in your grief-affirmation and healing journey, honouring who and what you are as an individual, free of the burden of gender stereotypes. I coach individuals, families and small groups affirm, heal and process their grief, and grow from it with resilience, meaning and purpose.
Please feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need help in, whether for organizational advisory and training; or individual counselling, coaching and therapy in the ‘Grief & Growth’ and ‘Resilience, Life-Purpose, Post-traumatic Growth, Transitions & Ageing’ realms.
Stay tuned to continue learning more about the complex phenomenon of grief, and my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and to develop #GriefWisdom. Meanwhile, you may find some solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration. Read yourself and/or gift to someone on a grief journey, or grief practitioners. And if you like my books, please leave your review on Amazon & Goodreads
Above all, remember to hope, love & smile.
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Please note – this post is in parts excerpted from my article Grief has no gender that first appeared in Times of India, online edition.
[1] Identity masked to honour desire for privacy
Such important points! Grief is as unique to an individual as a fingerprint. How we grieve is based on a huge number of factors, gender identity but one.
Personally, I think most of us would do well to grieve in more ways than we feel naturally inclined toward. Because so many of us have been conditioned to only express grief in certain very limited and proscribed ways. Which hurts us all and makes it harder to get the grief out. Which is, of course, how we heal.
Thank you for a very interesting piece.
Thank you for highlighting such a vital dimension that often holds us prisoners, even in our grief.