#12 Turning a New Leaf

Being Hopeful & Engaging Anew

“Still round the corner there may wait,

A new road or a secret gate,

And though we pass them by today,

Tomorrow we may come this way,

And take the hidden paths that run,

Towards the Moon or to the Sun.”

~ J.R.R. Tolkien

It is that time of the year again. While the whole world keenly and gleefully awaits the new year, those in grief continue to feel enveloped in their sorrow, pain and fear. There is nothing new for them – neither about the year, nor about life. Yet life itself is turning anew all the time. Not just at the dawning of the new year, but every single moment. And so are we, whether or not in grief.

When on a grief journey, it is natural to feel frozen in time. That said, on many levels we continue to regenerate and grow. We are not the same body or person that we were a moment ago. The only constant, they say, about life is that nothing is constant. Our body cells continually die and regenerate. This holds true for our emotions and thoughts as well. While some painful feelings continue to hover around, some new feelings begin to emerge. Our feelings and thoughts are in a constant and frantic churn. However, this churn is essentially accompanied by renewal.

At some point, we start to move from lamenting and yearning to reminiscing lovingly; from drowning in our sorrow to finding meaning in our suffering, from choking in our pain to creating a purpose out of it. In grief, every moment is new, every day unfolds a new chapter.

“Grief, too, is an evolving process… Such is the law of nature. Spring is sure to follow winter. The season of grief too abides by this law. But for growth to ensue, we must engage anew with life, with ourselves, with our deceased loved one, and with others.”

~ Neena Verma

Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage, Page 108

Life is constantly calling us to stay in flow. True indeed, there is no ‘moving on’ from our grief. That does not mean though that we let ourselves remain stuck and cast away. We need to choose to ‘move along’ the flow of life. We need to engage anew with life. We need to turn a new leaf.

Begin by caring for your self. Self-care, in grief, is the most needed and sadly most neglected thing. For grievers, especially those with multiple life responsibilities on their shoulder, the idea of self-care seems almost unthinkable. This is particularly true of women grievers. I know this first hand. But the hard reality is that we need self-care when we are preparing to re-meet the world and re-engage with life in the aftermath of loss and grief. Remember, self-care is not selfish. Rather it is being self-responsible. And it takes very little – deep breathing, adequate hydration, basic nutrition, movement and gentle exercise, due rest, yoga, meditation or whatever else suits you.

Self-care includes emotional healing. The weight of emotions is indeed heavy. Hard to carry. Harder to acknowledge, address and heal. But the hardest harm happens when we hide, suppress, or repress our emotions for far too long. The in-pain broken heart and agonized grieving mind we are all familiar with. But the trauma suffered by body remains unnoticed until it shows up as medical issues. Many grievers I know and have worked with are living testimony to this. I am myself a case in point. My unusual and excessive weight and hair loss, menopausal complications and sudden manifestation of Type-II Diabetes could all be related in some way or the other to keeping my emotions buried under the weight of responsibilities and the expectation to maintain the ‘strength-mask’. Remember, masked strength is just that – a mask. I paid a heavy price. You should not. When preparing to engage anew with life in the aftermath of loss and grief, meet it with a healing body, heart and mind.

Memories can be painful and tormenting. Choose to transcend the baggage of memories. Even after our deceased loved ones have completed their mortal journey, their ‘Presence lives’ on. Let your past continue to remain a meaningful part of your ongoing life. Let your memories become eternal ‘Remembrance’ that transcends life and death. Love and relationship do not die. In-fact love lives longer than grief. It lives forever. Honour your grief by celebrating your love. Let the essence of your deceased ones’ life inspire your present and future. Embody their gifts. Let your relationship live on and become an eternal bond of love.

Finally, as you get ready to reengage with the world, you may feel an invisible wall of awkwardness, anxiety or avoidance between yourself and other people. There would always be some sincere people who might want to engage with you and care for you, but they may be hesitant about connecting the “right way”. It is ok to ask for support from people you trust, instead of waiting forever for them to get past their hesitancy. There is no harm in proactively reaching out and sensitizing them about our changed needs from life and relationships. Even if you are not yet ready to engage fully, honour their sincere availability. And start stepping out of your shell, one baby step at a time.

But what about those people who just disappear from your life. And there would be a lot of them. In some cases it may be out of discomfort around engaging with a person in grief. In many cases though, it would be because routines of life don’t allow much time and energy to sit by those in grief and trauma. And in some other cases it may be because of relationship being a superficial one. Please avoid recoiling in disappointment or resentment towards such people. Instead, try understanding their difficulties or dilemmas. Pick up the phone and make a call yourself, if you are missing some one strongly. Help them help you by letting them know your feelings and changed needs. Let them respond in their own way. If they remain unresponsive, let go and forgive. Be kind to yourself. It may feel hard to continue moving all alone. Yet stride on.

“Life is both dreadful and wonderful.
Smile to your sorrow because you are more than your sorrow.”

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Indeed, we need to smile to our sorrow. It is hard but not impossible. It calls for faith, hope, resilience and love. When in grief, invoke the child in you, consciously embody and practice child-like resilience, and adapt to the unfolding loss-altered life.

“Cherish the old fallen leaves

Treasure them as precious bookmarks

in the book of your life-so-far.

And choose to turn a new leaf

in the book of your life-as-unfolding-anew.”

~ Neena Verma

As you usher in the new year, remember to offer your gratitude to the year passing by. Joy, pain, fear, courage, anxiety, calm, misery, meaning, trauma, growth, hope, resilience, grief, love … whatever it brought along was a guest with a message.

Honour the time and space between ‘No longer’ and ‘Not yet’. It is in this liminal space that life reveals its true and deep meaning, and shapes itself.

And say an awake warm YES to the year dawning in. Greet and meet life with a smile as the new year dawns in. Who knows what new leaf is waiting to unfurl for you. Above all, remember to hope, love & smile. 

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As a ‘Grief & Growth’ and ‘Resilience, Purpose & Transitions’ Coach, Practitioner & Trainer, I am here to help you in healing your grief, growing from it, and finding/creating your own path and way to turn a new leaf and transforme your ‘grief journey’ into ‘Growth & Grace Pilgrimage’. Please feel free to reach me at growwithneena@gmail.com if you need counselling, coaching, therapy, expert companioning, training or mentoring in the ‘Grief & Growth’ and ‘Resilience, Life-Purpose, Transitions & Ageing’ realms.

Stay tuned to continue learning more about the complex phenomenon of grief, my six-phase GROWTH Mandala model, and to develop #GriefWisdom. Meanwhile, you may find some solace, support and strength in my books Grief ~ Growth ~ Grace – A Sacred Pilgrimage  and A Mother’s Cry .. A Mother’s Celebration. Read yourself and/or gift to someone on a grief journey, or grief practitioners. And if you like my books, please leave your review on Amazon & Goodreads

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